The total number of views is well over 1200.
Check them out. Send your friends to check them out.
Then join the discussion by posting and attending my live discussion next week.
Go check them out!
Dr. Shinaver
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Update on the videos. They are catching on. I am getting quite a response with people viewing them. Now just post on them.
Here is the latest update on the number of views my videos have gotten TODAY.
The total number of views is well over 1200.
Check them out. Send your friends to check them out.
Then join the discussion by posting and attending my live discussion next week.
Go check them out!
Dr. Shinaver
The total number of views is well over 1200.
Check them out. Send your friends to check them out.
Then join the discussion by posting and attending my live discussion next week.
Go check them out!
Dr. Shinaver
Sunday, April 6, 2008
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Friday, April 4, 2008
My New Coaching Program and the Videos I posted.
First, a side note: How this site got into German or whatever that language is I don't know.
I'm pretty exhausted right now. I've been loading several coaching videos onto the Internet. This is the product of working for seven or eight weeks. I have an intern from Butler, Coty Nicoson, who helped me work on these videos.
The first question is why am I going in this direction?
Most importantly, because it's exciting. Secondly I have a number of people I work with who are owners of their own small businesses. As I saw many of them make progress and move past the original mental health issues that brought them I realized I had great rapport with them and I knew I could offer them something regarding moving forward with their lives. That's where coaching comes in.
Coaching looks forward and focuses upon goals in and a person's dreams for their life. It also includes consideration of the larger picture of a person's life. With my background in playing sports, watching sports and coaching sports I always enjoyed the role of being a coach. I like motivating people and challenging them to excel. I enjoy the process of helping people to do that. For quite some time I've thought about focusing on sports psychology as a result. I still might do that to some degree. However I came to realize that I can play the role of a coach for people in their overall life not just sports or business.
Part of what is developed in a therapeutic relationship is a sense of trust and openness to the degree that allows a person to reveal information that they might otherwise holdback. That information is often critical in understanding how to motivate a person and can help me to help them. It gives me unusual access with how to connect with them on a more profound level and then encourage them to challenge themselves and move past their fears. The nature of that relationship and my own interest in developing my own practice/company and the sheer fun I get from that is what motivated me to go in this direction.
So, what is my plan?
My plan is to do this:
I'm pretty exhausted right now. I've been loading several coaching videos onto the Internet. This is the product of working for seven or eight weeks. I have an intern from Butler, Coty Nicoson, who helped me work on these videos.
The first question is why am I going in this direction?
Most importantly, because it's exciting. Secondly I have a number of people I work with who are owners of their own small businesses. As I saw many of them make progress and move past the original mental health issues that brought them I realized I had great rapport with them and I knew I could offer them something regarding moving forward with their lives. That's where coaching comes in.
Coaching looks forward and focuses upon goals in and a person's dreams for their life. It also includes consideration of the larger picture of a person's life. With my background in playing sports, watching sports and coaching sports I always enjoyed the role of being a coach. I like motivating people and challenging them to excel. I enjoy the process of helping people to do that. For quite some time I've thought about focusing on sports psychology as a result. I still might do that to some degree. However I came to realize that I can play the role of a coach for people in their overall life not just sports or business.
Part of what is developed in a therapeutic relationship is a sense of trust and openness to the degree that allows a person to reveal information that they might otherwise holdback. That information is often critical in understanding how to motivate a person and can help me to help them. It gives me unusual access with how to connect with them on a more profound level and then encourage them to challenge themselves and move past their fears. The nature of that relationship and my own interest in developing my own practice/company and the sheer fun I get from that is what motivated me to go in this direction.
So, what is my plan?
My plan is to do this:
1. I decided to make these videos to serve as an introduction to my own transition into coaching. However what you get from these videos is your introduction into coaching. But what it does in a deeper way is to ground you in my point of view about how therapy relates to coaching and how my role as a psychologist relates to coaching. Indeed these give a level of authenticity and transparency that are consistent with my values of how to operate in the world and as a business. At a later point, if anyone asks me discuss how I came to choose the topics that I chose.
2. I decided to launch all these videos simultaneously for a few different reasons. The first is that it gives an opportunity to give a broader scale of material to more people at once. I would put this under the concept of why I call "suddenness." I don't think I've seen anyone else use that term but I'm not really sure. Anyway, why mean by that is injects me into people's consciousness with velocity and impact. In other words, it captures attention. I remember this quote from somewhere: "It's like killing a mosquito with a sledgehammer". What it does, in my mind is bring you here to my webpage in my blog. Now, what I do your attention is up to me. However, it is also up to you. What you mean by that is I'm interested in finding out what you would like to have to coaching program. I would like to start one from the ground up. However, what I think people might want and what you actually do want could be two very different things. So, let me explain one thing that I do have right now.
3. Right now, I have a coaching program that I can do that has to do with managing anxiety and stress. This coaching program can be packaged in a four to six session format. It has a solid research behind it. When we discussed this point in more detail below.
Let me digress for a moment to talk about what that means is a psychologist. As a psychologist I am trained to use scientific research and to consider claims that I make placed in that context. What most people don't realize is that demands a rigor for such claims are substantial. That is, often for someone from the scientific community to be able to say that something has substantial evidence behind it means that there are maybe 10 to 20 years worth of research behind it. Even then you hardly, if ever, hear a scientist or social scientist say that something has been "proven". Part of that is based upon the logic of science. That is, it is much easier to prove that something doesn't work then to prove that it does. For example when an intervention works there are almost always other possible explanations for why it did so even when you attempt to account for every variable and control for those variables.
Contrast this to someone from say the biofeedback community or coaching community. Neither one of these groups of people are regulated by a community of scientists. As such when they say that "this really works I know what I've seen with my own eyes" they are very convincing and believable.
However a scientist would rarely if ever make such a statement because all he would be saying is that with the subject sample of 01, (him), or with a small sub example 10, 15, or 20 people, without an actual investigation, it seemed to have some impact or at least it appeared to do so. Yet, unless he were to do a scientific investigation of that he still wouldn't "know". Furthermore, the first scientific investigation wouldn't suffice there would have to be several of them.
That entire digression was to address this phrase "solid research". Within the scientific community the research behind heart math techniques and products would be considered probably mild to moderate evidence. However to contrast this with what one might find in the coaching community people are more likely to say based upon their individual experience or that experience of their clients that it 'proves' that their intervention is effective or definitely works and they "know" this to be true.
Either way right now I can offer you a coaching program that I consider to be effective based upon my own use of its, patients that I've worked with using it, and the research that I've read about it. That program helps people with anxiety. The program can be either focused on business, on sports, on overcoming burnout, or in the general context of personal growth.
So if you're ready for that program, and you want to enter it please contact me by sending me an e-mail at Dr.shinaver@hushmail.com.
The e-mail is secure and will reach me and stay confidential in at that website.
4. However, what I want to do is develop a bigger broader coaching program. I intend to focus upon small-business owners or entrepreneurs, life coaching, marital coaching, and leadership coaching. The leadership coaching will include teenagers or adolescence as well as adults. What I'm interested in from you is a dialogue with you about what your point of view about coaching news. That includes people who've been coach before what they liked and what they didn't like. And when once knows what you'd like to see in a coaching program. This along with my own research will contribute to be developing my own coaching program.
I will make every effort to be transparent and authentic with you as these are truly my values.
I will make every effort to provide information that is valuable, insightful, and as often as possible actionable.
Why would like from you is your participation in getting the feedback attending live sessions that I will schedule over time.
So, here is my initial schedule for the next eight weeks.
You can check out all the videos at:
Week 1: The first video will be discussed at www.Livevideo.com at 11:00 on Friday April 18, 2008.
The title of the video is: 1 Why Coaching will Change the Way Everyone does Business by Dr Charles Shinaver
Week 2: The second video: 2: Why a Psychologist-Coach is what YOU need. Dr Charles Shinaver
Will be discussed on www.LiveVideo.com at a time and date to be announced the following week.
Week 3: Why I will help YOU. Dr Charles Shinaver
Will be discussed on www.LiveVideo.com at a time and date to be announced the following week.
Week 4: What Happens in Business and Life Coaching? Dr Charles Shinaver
Will be discussed on www.LiveVideo.com at a time and date to be announced the following week.
Week 5: How to Break Through Your Personal and Business Barriers. Dr Charles Shinaver
Will be discussed on www.LiveVideo.com at a time and date to be announced the following week.
Week 6: What is the Difference between Business & Life Coaching? Dr Charles Shinaver
Will be discussed on www.LiveVideo.com at a time and date to be announced the following week.
Week 7: How Can Coaching help you to Manage Job Stress. Dr Charles Shinaver
Will be discussed on www.LiveVideo.com at a time and date to be announced the following week.
Week 8: How can you Identify Corporate Stress and How can Coaching Help. Dr Charles Shinaver
Will be discussed on www.LiveVideo.com at a time and date to be announced the following week.
I will enjoy the ride. I hope you do.
Dr Charles Shinaver
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
August 2007: The first week of school: Behavioral Norms balanced by an Empathic Connection.
August 2007: The first week of school: Behavioral Norms balanced by an Empathic Connection.
There is a concept in behavioral psychology called norms. Norms are behavior patterns. They are what people actually do. The first week of school is the time to set behavior norms. This is different than ‘expectations’. Expectations are more about talking. They are what we want to see from someone. We can tell someone what we expect, but that is different from “establishing norms”. Let me give you an example. Establishing norms is actually making sure that behavior patterns occur.
We transitioned babysitters at the end of the summer and it had become clear that the sitter during the school year had been lax about many things. We focused upon two. The first one gives the clearest example of establishing a norm because it was so behavioral in nature.
The behavior norm had become the boys left the garage door open consistently. This was a problem for several reasons. First, there were concerns about safety. Even though we live in a very safe neighborhood it is a bad idea to get in the habit of leaving the garage door open. Secondly, we just didn’t like the way it looked – junky. Third, there is a tendency by our kids to then expand leaving junk out onto the garage.
How to change this behavioral norm? The first week of the summer I disengaged the garage door openers. So, the kids would have to physically lift the garage doors themselves. Then we moved all their stuff to the garage which had a service door. So, they could go in and out the garage door without having to open the big doors. After the second week of disengaging the garage doors we no longer had that problem. This was a clean solution because physically it was difficult for the kids to open the door manually at all, so their behavior had to change.
So, with more complicated behaviors or where there is not a clear physical barrier how do you do this without behaving like a drill sergeant? Well, again it depends upon the norms you want to set within your family as to how you do this. As a matter of fact my son’s, when I click into this mode often spontaneously starting saying: “yes, sir”. They then salute me sometimes. It is their playful way of letting me know that they know I am in ‘git-r-done’ mode. I will return to that later.
Let me give another example of shoes not in the boy’s locker or ‘cubby’. My wife has very high standards regarding cleanliness and order. So we don’t wear shoes in the house. We bought a house that has a mudroom with lockers for the boy’s stuff and my stuff. The boys have a tendency to leave their shoes and backpacks out all over the mud room, a pattern that started last school year. So we began this behavior modification two weeks ago. The first two weeks I warned them and made them come back and put their shoes away. I reminded them that for each shoe it would be $2 off their allowance. (The notion of allowance in our house is that if you do the things expected of a child your age you get allowance of one dollar per year of age. Among the expectations is doing your schoolwork, keeping your room picked up and keeping your cubby and the mudroom picked up, etc.) So we have a trial period in which the boys get only warnings and reminders of the consequence.
Starting time: Then the day we start issuing the consequences is announced and they are given swiftly and preferably without emotion. When the shoes are found not where they are supposed to be the boy is called back to immediately address it and the money lost is recorded. From that day on the consequence is clear: you lose the money and you must interrupt whatever you are doing now to address it.
So it is with a new school year. Decided on your norms, have a brief ‘trial period’. Implement the change. The goal is to deliver consequences without emotion, firmly, clearly without negotiation. This is easier said than done, but if you discipline yourself to do this your kids will begin to be more disciplined themselves.
So, we start with a new sitter this week and focused on the norms with me home the first day to oversee and implement. Day two I have to be at work and my wife happens to be off early and she can oversee the process. As any mom knows, that moment when they hit the door can be the beginning of chaos or order depending upon how it is handled. Day three and the rest of the week I will get home to take some peaks at how it is going and intervene as necessary. After 1-2 2weeks the boys should have a good understanding of the norms and be following them and so should the sitter. This is how you establish norms.
Don’t worry this isn’t the end of the story. I will give you an update. By the way, housebreaking the puppy in the midst of the new school year and new sitter is our biggest challenge.
Balanced by an Empathic Connection:
So that is the establishing behavioral norms, which, by the way, is very much about your norms as much as the kids. Now, how do you maintain ‘empathic connection’? What do I mean by ‘empathic connection’? Or, another way to put it, how do I keep my perspective?
Let me give you two very direct and concrete answers: HeartMath and ‘special time’.
First, what is HeartMath? It is an approach of connecting with your own heart and center of feeling through slowing the breathing and focusing upon feelings of appreciation, gratitude, etc. It actually involves going in your mind and heart to the feeling of gratitude, actually getting to that feeling state. It is not hard once you practice it. I have several references to it on my website, the technology for measuring whether you are there and books and tools to get you there and sustain that. Let me give an example again, I always find specifics very helpful.
This morning we had an incident in which the boys followed the ‘new norms’ for the school year very well for about 85-90% of the time. The youngest was up, dressed on his own and got his breakfast started and only needed helping pouring a full gallon jug of milk. The oldest was up much earlier today and was on the ball, not in slow-motion. He was moving along fine. The middle guy was going along well too. We were ready in the mudroom ready to go much earlier than yesterday which was pushing it to the limits of punctuality.
I had taken the dog out to go to the bathroom and he went number one, but not number 2. I had him out there 10 minutes. I had to go in and shower and change myself. I go in. Dog gets passed to second son after he has dressed. He is to take dog out for at least 10 minutes stay in one place and wait for dog to go. He does not do his job well. He goes to the front where there are many distractions. Dog does not go. He puts dog in cage and as we go to leave out door dog goes in cage. Dad is not happy.
So, I am firm about this. We are not going back now. Dog must learn not to go in cage. Son must learn to give sufficient time for dog to go. Through my frustrated monologue I decide the new plan is we will move bedtime up 10 minutes and wakeup time up 10 minutes until we have enough time for dog to go to the bathroom. Son number 3 says: “Can we stop talking about this?” My answer: “Yes.”
So, I discipline myself and stop talking about it. I shift to a neutral place; slow breathing and think about the things the boys have done in the last 24 hours for which I have gratitude. I share some of this with each one of them. I go to work and connect to the EmWave PC and proceed to do more HeartMath. The moment the night before when I was reading to my son from his “Complete Guide to Fishing” book and we were talking about the history of fishing and how it is about nature, understanding nature and imitating nature that allows one to fish well. You may not think about this, but when you fish you imitate the animals in the environment of the fish to get them to bite. He has always been a great outdoors person, first bugs, deer, salamanders, and now fish. That was a moment I felt love, connection and awe for him. Then I shifted to the moment when son number 2 said: “we had to do these math problems and the teacher, well she is real young, didn’t know how to teacher division with remainders, but I did them anyway. I finished the whole sheet when they were on number 17.” Then he told me about football and the highlights there. Then I shifted to the moment when my oldest made this wry comment in the front seat and he turned and grinned with a great big smile and we enjoyed the moment as I got it and he didn’t get it for being a smart Alec. These moments give me perspective and allow me to truly connect with the boys, but hold firm as it is time to establish new norms.
Special time:
This is a concept borrowed from Russell Barkley and his book Taking Charge of ADHD. It is an idea kind of like “time in” instead of time out. The idea is that you set aside 15 minutes or so and truly focus on your child, not the dishes, the phone, the laundry, etc. The concept is that he chooses an activity and you essentially narrate out loud what he is doing. This gives him the feeling that you are ‘in there with him’. You let him make the rules and choose the game. It is his time. Kids really love this. It is like their batteries are charged up by this. These empathic moments are the foundation upon which you continue to build as a child gets older. Over time my sons continue to turn to me and talk to me about important things on their mind because I often try to do some version of special time – an activity on their terms in which I narrate or empathize and shut off my own mind chatter. This empathic link to my sons balances when I am in ‘drill sergeant’ mode which I must do sometimes especially with these boys who are loud and rowdy at times. Those are two critical tools or skills I use. They work. Try them yourself.
Now ‘git-r-done’ and set some ‘new behavioral norms’.
Charles Shinaver, Ph.D.
There is a concept in behavioral psychology called norms. Norms are behavior patterns. They are what people actually do. The first week of school is the time to set behavior norms. This is different than ‘expectations’. Expectations are more about talking. They are what we want to see from someone. We can tell someone what we expect, but that is different from “establishing norms”. Let me give you an example. Establishing norms is actually making sure that behavior patterns occur.
We transitioned babysitters at the end of the summer and it had become clear that the sitter during the school year had been lax about many things. We focused upon two. The first one gives the clearest example of establishing a norm because it was so behavioral in nature.
The behavior norm had become the boys left the garage door open consistently. This was a problem for several reasons. First, there were concerns about safety. Even though we live in a very safe neighborhood it is a bad idea to get in the habit of leaving the garage door open. Secondly, we just didn’t like the way it looked – junky. Third, there is a tendency by our kids to then expand leaving junk out onto the garage.
How to change this behavioral norm? The first week of the summer I disengaged the garage door openers. So, the kids would have to physically lift the garage doors themselves. Then we moved all their stuff to the garage which had a service door. So, they could go in and out the garage door without having to open the big doors. After the second week of disengaging the garage doors we no longer had that problem. This was a clean solution because physically it was difficult for the kids to open the door manually at all, so their behavior had to change.
So, with more complicated behaviors or where there is not a clear physical barrier how do you do this without behaving like a drill sergeant? Well, again it depends upon the norms you want to set within your family as to how you do this. As a matter of fact my son’s, when I click into this mode often spontaneously starting saying: “yes, sir”. They then salute me sometimes. It is their playful way of letting me know that they know I am in ‘git-r-done’ mode. I will return to that later.
Let me give another example of shoes not in the boy’s locker or ‘cubby’. My wife has very high standards regarding cleanliness and order. So we don’t wear shoes in the house. We bought a house that has a mudroom with lockers for the boy’s stuff and my stuff. The boys have a tendency to leave their shoes and backpacks out all over the mud room, a pattern that started last school year. So we began this behavior modification two weeks ago. The first two weeks I warned them and made them come back and put their shoes away. I reminded them that for each shoe it would be $2 off their allowance. (The notion of allowance in our house is that if you do the things expected of a child your age you get allowance of one dollar per year of age. Among the expectations is doing your schoolwork, keeping your room picked up and keeping your cubby and the mudroom picked up, etc.) So we have a trial period in which the boys get only warnings and reminders of the consequence.
Starting time: Then the day we start issuing the consequences is announced and they are given swiftly and preferably without emotion. When the shoes are found not where they are supposed to be the boy is called back to immediately address it and the money lost is recorded. From that day on the consequence is clear: you lose the money and you must interrupt whatever you are doing now to address it.
So it is with a new school year. Decided on your norms, have a brief ‘trial period’. Implement the change. The goal is to deliver consequences without emotion, firmly, clearly without negotiation. This is easier said than done, but if you discipline yourself to do this your kids will begin to be more disciplined themselves.
So, we start with a new sitter this week and focused on the norms with me home the first day to oversee and implement. Day two I have to be at work and my wife happens to be off early and she can oversee the process. As any mom knows, that moment when they hit the door can be the beginning of chaos or order depending upon how it is handled. Day three and the rest of the week I will get home to take some peaks at how it is going and intervene as necessary. After 1-2 2weeks the boys should have a good understanding of the norms and be following them and so should the sitter. This is how you establish norms.
Don’t worry this isn’t the end of the story. I will give you an update. By the way, housebreaking the puppy in the midst of the new school year and new sitter is our biggest challenge.
Balanced by an Empathic Connection:
So that is the establishing behavioral norms, which, by the way, is very much about your norms as much as the kids. Now, how do you maintain ‘empathic connection’? What do I mean by ‘empathic connection’? Or, another way to put it, how do I keep my perspective?
Let me give you two very direct and concrete answers: HeartMath and ‘special time’.
First, what is HeartMath? It is an approach of connecting with your own heart and center of feeling through slowing the breathing and focusing upon feelings of appreciation, gratitude, etc. It actually involves going in your mind and heart to the feeling of gratitude, actually getting to that feeling state. It is not hard once you practice it. I have several references to it on my website, the technology for measuring whether you are there and books and tools to get you there and sustain that. Let me give an example again, I always find specifics very helpful.
This morning we had an incident in which the boys followed the ‘new norms’ for the school year very well for about 85-90% of the time. The youngest was up, dressed on his own and got his breakfast started and only needed helping pouring a full gallon jug of milk. The oldest was up much earlier today and was on the ball, not in slow-motion. He was moving along fine. The middle guy was going along well too. We were ready in the mudroom ready to go much earlier than yesterday which was pushing it to the limits of punctuality.
I had taken the dog out to go to the bathroom and he went number one, but not number 2. I had him out there 10 minutes. I had to go in and shower and change myself. I go in. Dog gets passed to second son after he has dressed. He is to take dog out for at least 10 minutes stay in one place and wait for dog to go. He does not do his job well. He goes to the front where there are many distractions. Dog does not go. He puts dog in cage and as we go to leave out door dog goes in cage. Dad is not happy.
So, I am firm about this. We are not going back now. Dog must learn not to go in cage. Son must learn to give sufficient time for dog to go. Through my frustrated monologue I decide the new plan is we will move bedtime up 10 minutes and wakeup time up 10 minutes until we have enough time for dog to go to the bathroom. Son number 3 says: “Can we stop talking about this?” My answer: “Yes.”
So, I discipline myself and stop talking about it. I shift to a neutral place; slow breathing and think about the things the boys have done in the last 24 hours for which I have gratitude. I share some of this with each one of them. I go to work and connect to the EmWave PC and proceed to do more HeartMath. The moment the night before when I was reading to my son from his “Complete Guide to Fishing” book and we were talking about the history of fishing and how it is about nature, understanding nature and imitating nature that allows one to fish well. You may not think about this, but when you fish you imitate the animals in the environment of the fish to get them to bite. He has always been a great outdoors person, first bugs, deer, salamanders, and now fish. That was a moment I felt love, connection and awe for him. Then I shifted to the moment when son number 2 said: “we had to do these math problems and the teacher, well she is real young, didn’t know how to teacher division with remainders, but I did them anyway. I finished the whole sheet when they were on number 17.” Then he told me about football and the highlights there. Then I shifted to the moment when my oldest made this wry comment in the front seat and he turned and grinned with a great big smile and we enjoyed the moment as I got it and he didn’t get it for being a smart Alec. These moments give me perspective and allow me to truly connect with the boys, but hold firm as it is time to establish new norms.
Special time:
This is a concept borrowed from Russell Barkley and his book Taking Charge of ADHD. It is an idea kind of like “time in” instead of time out. The idea is that you set aside 15 minutes or so and truly focus on your child, not the dishes, the phone, the laundry, etc. The concept is that he chooses an activity and you essentially narrate out loud what he is doing. This gives him the feeling that you are ‘in there with him’. You let him make the rules and choose the game. It is his time. Kids really love this. It is like their batteries are charged up by this. These empathic moments are the foundation upon which you continue to build as a child gets older. Over time my sons continue to turn to me and talk to me about important things on their mind because I often try to do some version of special time – an activity on their terms in which I narrate or empathize and shut off my own mind chatter. This empathic link to my sons balances when I am in ‘drill sergeant’ mode which I must do sometimes especially with these boys who are loud and rowdy at times. Those are two critical tools or skills I use. They work. Try them yourself.
Now ‘git-r-done’ and set some ‘new behavioral norms’.
Charles Shinaver, Ph.D.
Monday, July 9, 2007
"To Catch a Predator": The internet, safety and social networking. In my next blog I will coment on this article from Dateline
Go to this linke to read the article about the Dateline show "To Catch a Predator". http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17584928/
I will comment about this in my next blog.
I will comment about this in my next blog.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
When should I start my Son in kindergarten?
When should I start my son in kindergarten?
This question was recently posed to me by a good friend. Her son is very close to the cutoff for the birthdays to begin kindergarten. He is a smart boy, as are his parents, who are both physicians. If he were to go to school next year he would basically be the youngest child in his class. My short answer was essentially: “What’s the hurry?”
Now, yes, that may come off as flippant. But really, what’s the hurry? So, your son, who is definitely a smart ‘little guy’ will definitely be the ‘littlest guy’ in terms of age and quite possibly the ‘littlest guy’ in physical stature. “So, what?” says mom, who, I might remind you, did not grow up as a little boy. Well there’s a short answer to this one too: “Size matters.” I know you have heard that in a different context before, but I am not talking about that (this friend, if she is reading this now, is laughing out loud especially since her husband, the urologist, has been telling her this for years!).
For boys it is very much about the pecking order and both physical size and physical attributes like strength, speed, agility, all those things, really matter. Whether you like it or not, it is real. I don’t know if you noticed, but most kindergarten boys are not having contests about who can write the neatest, spell the best, or read the biggest books. Not unless there is some mother or father working very hard to drill this into the kid. Sitting still, being quiet in little chairs in little circles or rows, or pods, no, not on the top of their list.
The games we played were: “king of the hill”, “kick the can”, football, basketball, tag, races, etc. etc. Some of the games even had names that are not politically correct today, so we’ll skip those. The point is this. Just because your son might win all those intellectual contests even if everyone is a year older than he is, if he loses at all the games that establish pecking order: trouble is coming. Don’t believe me? Ask some guys who lost all those contests and see what they say. See if they remember getting beat up by a girl at recess. I’m betting they might.
If you think well, by that logic, he will probably struggle at all those games after a year’s more growth. Well, there you go you have something to work on for a year at home instead of sitting at a desk all year. Besides, where is the research that says the youngest, smallest kid in the class does the best?
As a matter of fact most research says the opposite: the oldest kids do the best. There was a great article in the New York Times on June 3, 2007 by Elizabeth Weil called “When Should a Kid Start Kindergarten?” Google this article and it will answer all your questions – especially those parents who do school as a ‘competitive sport’ as noted in this article. This is a well-written and very recent article on this topic and you will see that there is overwhelming and substantial research that supports letting your son wait a year.
This article refers to what they call an ‘age effect’ in the research. Essentially this is a negative effect of a child being younger than most kids in his grade. The focus here is on academics. Now, in our example here I am assuming that my friend’s son will be fine academically, but this research suggests that that there are some risks here too. And, the ‘age effect’ apparently last for several years. When I had this conversation with my friend I had not read this particular article, but I was familiar with some of the research. I am not basing my opinion on this article, but it truly is good food for thought.
I was basing my opinion on the fact that I am a psychologist, I was a boy, I have three smart boys, and many more boys are referred for treatment to all psychololgists than girls. For all variety of things including social develoment, emotional development, ADHD, learning disorders, etc. Most childhood disorders are dominated by boys. So, that extra year can help in all those social and emotional areas.
Yes, I did work on much of the academic activities I assume my friend focuses upon with her son, but I know how the pecking order works. I was just as focused on preparing my sons for the pecking order as I was on academic skills.
One other thought, and this, by the way, appeared to be the clincher for my friend, ask yourself: “What are my son’s true gifts?” No, not is he ‘gifted’, based upon IQ and achievement tests, and this boy is likely ‘gifted’ in terms of the normative population defined in this way. Just with his parents’ education and social economic status he is likely to land in that neighborhood. No, in what ways is your son truly gifted, distinct, special, in a way that you can tell already even before kindergarten? Now, is there a way you can work on his true gifts in the next year? Can you, yourself help him with that? Can you get someone else to help? That, and preparing for ‘pecking order stuff’, is how I would spend the next year. Good handwriting, chapter books, sitting still and being quiet, yeah, all great things, just not this year.
Charles Shinaver III, Ph.D.
This question was recently posed to me by a good friend. Her son is very close to the cutoff for the birthdays to begin kindergarten. He is a smart boy, as are his parents, who are both physicians. If he were to go to school next year he would basically be the youngest child in his class. My short answer was essentially: “What’s the hurry?”
Now, yes, that may come off as flippant. But really, what’s the hurry? So, your son, who is definitely a smart ‘little guy’ will definitely be the ‘littlest guy’ in terms of age and quite possibly the ‘littlest guy’ in physical stature. “So, what?” says mom, who, I might remind you, did not grow up as a little boy. Well there’s a short answer to this one too: “Size matters.” I know you have heard that in a different context before, but I am not talking about that (this friend, if she is reading this now, is laughing out loud especially since her husband, the urologist, has been telling her this for years!).
Anyway, life growing up as a boy is all about size, physical skill, the ability to run, to play tag, to knock each other around and to be ‘tough’. I think you have heard of the ‘Napoleon complex’. Need I say more?
No, not all of life is about size. And, yes, certainly school is about learning, reading, math, writing, sitting still, waiting in line, and all of those lessons you are supposed to learn in kindergarten. I know, I know, a lot of mom’s are getting really juiced up about the thrill their son will experience the first time in kindergarten when junior gets to wait in line, wait his turn, sit still, finish his work, write neatly, etc., but most boys… not so much. Really, really, adult life has lots of that action-packed-fun-seeking stuff. He will get to kindergarten in good time.
For boys it is very much about the pecking order and both physical size and physical attributes like strength, speed, agility, all those things, really matter. Whether you like it or not, it is real. I don’t know if you noticed, but most kindergarten boys are not having contests about who can write the neatest, spell the best, or read the biggest books. Not unless there is some mother or father working very hard to drill this into the kid. Sitting still, being quiet in little chairs in little circles or rows, or pods, no, not on the top of their list.
The games we played were: “king of the hill”, “kick the can”, football, basketball, tag, races, etc. etc. Some of the games even had names that are not politically correct today, so we’ll skip those. The point is this. Just because your son might win all those intellectual contests even if everyone is a year older than he is, if he loses at all the games that establish pecking order: trouble is coming. Don’t believe me? Ask some guys who lost all those contests and see what they say. See if they remember getting beat up by a girl at recess. I’m betting they might.
If you think well, by that logic, he will probably struggle at all those games after a year’s more growth. Well, there you go you have something to work on for a year at home instead of sitting at a desk all year. Besides, where is the research that says the youngest, smallest kid in the class does the best?
As a matter of fact most research says the opposite: the oldest kids do the best. There was a great article in the New York Times on June 3, 2007 by Elizabeth Weil called “When Should a Kid Start Kindergarten?” Google this article and it will answer all your questions – especially those parents who do school as a ‘competitive sport’ as noted in this article. This is a well-written and very recent article on this topic and you will see that there is overwhelming and substantial research that supports letting your son wait a year.
This article refers to what they call an ‘age effect’ in the research. Essentially this is a negative effect of a child being younger than most kids in his grade. The focus here is on academics. Now, in our example here I am assuming that my friend’s son will be fine academically, but this research suggests that that there are some risks here too. And, the ‘age effect’ apparently last for several years. When I had this conversation with my friend I had not read this particular article, but I was familiar with some of the research. I am not basing my opinion on this article, but it truly is good food for thought.
I was basing my opinion on the fact that I am a psychologist, I was a boy, I have three smart boys, and many more boys are referred for treatment to all psychololgists than girls. For all variety of things including social develoment, emotional development, ADHD, learning disorders, etc. Most childhood disorders are dominated by boys. So, that extra year can help in all those social and emotional areas.
Yes, I did work on much of the academic activities I assume my friend focuses upon with her son, but I know how the pecking order works. I was just as focused on preparing my sons for the pecking order as I was on academic skills.
One other thought, and this, by the way, appeared to be the clincher for my friend, ask yourself: “What are my son’s true gifts?” No, not is he ‘gifted’, based upon IQ and achievement tests, and this boy is likely ‘gifted’ in terms of the normative population defined in this way. Just with his parents’ education and social economic status he is likely to land in that neighborhood. No, in what ways is your son truly gifted, distinct, special, in a way that you can tell already even before kindergarten? Now, is there a way you can work on his true gifts in the next year? Can you, yourself help him with that? Can you get someone else to help? That, and preparing for ‘pecking order stuff’, is how I would spend the next year. Good handwriting, chapter books, sitting still and being quiet, yeah, all great things, just not this year.
Charles Shinaver III, Ph.D.
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