When should I start my Son in kindergarten?

When should I start my son in kindergarten?

This question was recently posed to me by a good friend. Her son is very close to the cutoff for the birthdays to begin kindergarten. He is a smart boy, as are his parents, who are both physicians. If he were to go to school next year he would basically be the youngest child in his class. My short answer was essentially: “What’s the hurry?”

Now, yes, that may come off as flippant. But really, what’s the hurry? So, your son, who is definitely a smart ‘little guy’ will definitely be the ‘littlest guy’ in terms of age and quite possibly the ‘littlest guy’ in physical stature. “So, what?” says mom, who, I might remind you, did not grow up as a little boy. Well there’s a short answer to this one too: “Size matters.” I know you have heard that in a different context before, but I am not talking about that (this friend, if she is reading this now, is laughing out loud especially since her husband, the urologist, has been telling her this for years!).

Anyway, life growing up as a boy is all about size, physical skill, the ability to run, to play tag, to knock each other around and to be ‘tough’. I think you have heard of the ‘Napoleon complex’. Need I say more?

No, not all of life is about size. And, yes, certainly school is about learning, reading, math, writing, sitting still, waiting in line, and all of those lessons you are supposed to learn in kindergarten. I know, I know, a lot of mom’s are getting really juiced up about the thrill their son will experience the first time in kindergarten when junior gets to wait in line, wait his turn, sit still, finish his work, write neatly, etc., but most boys… not so much. Really, really, adult life has lots of that action-packed-fun-seeking stuff. He will get to kindergarten in good time.

For boys it is very much about the pecking order and both physical size and physical attributes like strength, speed, agility, all those things, really matter. Whether you like it or not, it is real. I don’t know if you noticed, but most kindergarten boys are not having contests about who can write the neatest, spell the best, or read the biggest books. Not unless there is some mother or father working very hard to drill this into the kid. Sitting still, being quiet in little chairs in little circles or rows, or pods, no, not on the top of their list.

The games we played were: “king of the hill”, “kick the can”, football, basketball, tag, races, etc. etc. Some of the games even had names that are not politically correct today, so we’ll skip those. The point is this. Just because your son might win all those intellectual contests even if everyone is a year older than he is, if he loses at all the games that establish pecking order: trouble is coming. Don’t believe me? Ask some guys who lost all those contests and see what they say. See if they remember getting beat up by a girl at recess. I’m betting they might.

If you think well, by that logic, he will probably struggle at all those games after a year’s more growth. Well, there you go you have something to work on for a year at home instead of sitting at a desk all year. Besides, where is the research that says the youngest, smallest kid in the class does the best?

As a matter of fact most research says the opposite: the oldest kids do the best. There was a great article in the New York Times on June 3, 2007 by Elizabeth Weil called “When Should a Kid Start Kindergarten?” Google this article and it will answer all your questions – especially those parents who do school as a ‘competitive sport’ as noted in this article. This is a well-written and very recent article on this topic and you will see that there is overwhelming and substantial research that supports letting your son wait a year.

This article refers to what they call an ‘age effect’ in the research. Essentially this is a negative effect of a child being younger than most kids in his grade. The focus here is on academics. Now, in our example here I am assuming that my friend’s son will be fine academically, but this research suggests that that there are some risks here too. And, the ‘age effect’ apparently last for several years. When I had this conversation with my friend I had not read this particular article, but I was familiar with some of the research. I am not basing my opinion on this article, but it truly is good food for thought.

I was basing my opinion on the fact that I am a psychologist, I was a boy, I have three smart boys, and many more boys are referred for treatment to all psychololgists than girls. For all variety of things including social develoment, emotional development, ADHD, learning disorders, etc. Most childhood disorders are dominated by boys. So, that extra year can help in all those social and emotional areas.

Yes, I did work on much of the academic activities I assume my friend focuses upon with her son, but I know how the pecking order works. I was just as focused on preparing my sons for the pecking order as I was on academic skills.

One other thought, and this, by the way, appeared to be the clincher for my friend, ask yourself: “What are my son’s true gifts?” No, not is he ‘gifted’, based upon IQ and achievement tests, and this boy is likely ‘gifted’ in terms of the normative population defined in this way. Just with his parents’ education and social economic status he is likely to land in that neighborhood. No, in what ways is your son truly gifted, distinct, special, in a way that you can tell already even before kindergarten? Now, is there a way you can work on his true gifts in the next year? Can you, yourself help him with that? Can you get someone else to help? That, and preparing for ‘pecking order stuff’, is how I would spend the next year. Good handwriting, chapter books, sitting still and being quiet, yeah, all great things, just not this year.

Charles Shinaver III, Ph.D.