August 2007: The first week of school: Behavioral Norms balanced by an Empathic Connection.

August 2007: The first week of school: Behavioral Norms balanced by an Empathic Connection.

There is a concept in behavioral psychology called norms. Norms are behavior patterns. They are what people actually do. The first week of school is the time to set behavior norms. This is different than ‘expectations’. Expectations are more about talking. They are what we want to see from someone. We can tell someone what we expect, but that is different from “establishing norms”. Let me give you an example. Establishing norms is actually making sure that behavior patterns occur.

We transitioned babysitters at the end of the summer and it had become clear that the sitter during the school year had been lax about many things. We focused upon two. The first one gives the clearest example of establishing a norm because it was so behavioral in nature.
The behavior norm had become the boys left the garage door open consistently. This was a problem for several reasons. First, there were concerns about safety. Even though we live in a very safe neighborhood it is a bad idea to get in the habit of leaving the garage door open. Secondly, we just didn’t like the way it looked – junky. Third, there is a tendency by our kids to then expand leaving junk out onto the garage.

How to change this behavioral norm? The first week of the summer I disengaged the garage door openers. So, the kids would have to physically lift the garage doors themselves. Then we moved all their stuff to the garage which had a service door. So, they could go in and out the garage door without having to open the big doors. After the second week of disengaging the garage doors we no longer had that problem. This was a clean solution because physically it was difficult for the kids to open the door manually at all, so their behavior had to change.
So, with more complicated behaviors or where there is not a clear physical barrier how do you do this without behaving like a drill sergeant? Well, again it depends upon the norms you want to set within your family as to how you do this. As a matter of fact my son’s, when I click into this mode often spontaneously starting saying: “yes, sir”. They then salute me sometimes. It is their playful way of letting me know that they know I am in ‘git-r-done’ mode. I will return to that later.

Let me give another example of shoes not in the boy’s locker or ‘cubby’. My wife has very high standards regarding cleanliness and order. So we don’t wear shoes in the house. We bought a house that has a mudroom with lockers for the boy’s stuff and my stuff. The boys have a tendency to leave their shoes and backpacks out all over the mud room, a pattern that started last school year. So we began this behavior modification two weeks ago. The first two weeks I warned them and made them come back and put their shoes away. I reminded them that for each shoe it would be $2 off their allowance. (The notion of allowance in our house is that if you do the things expected of a child your age you get allowance of one dollar per year of age. Among the expectations is doing your schoolwork, keeping your room picked up and keeping your cubby and the mudroom picked up, etc.) So we have a trial period in which the boys get only warnings and reminders of the consequence.

Starting time: Then the day we start issuing the consequences is announced and they are given swiftly and preferably without emotion. When the shoes are found not where they are supposed to be the boy is called back to immediately address it and the money lost is recorded. From that day on the consequence is clear: you lose the money and you must interrupt whatever you are doing now to address it.

So it is with a new school year. Decided on your norms, have a brief ‘trial period’. Implement the change. The goal is to deliver consequences without emotion, firmly, clearly without negotiation. This is easier said than done, but if you discipline yourself to do this your kids will begin to be more disciplined themselves.

So, we start with a new sitter this week and focused on the norms with me home the first day to oversee and implement. Day two I have to be at work and my wife happens to be off early and she can oversee the process. As any mom knows, that moment when they hit the door can be the beginning of chaos or order depending upon how it is handled. Day three and the rest of the week I will get home to take some peaks at how it is going and intervene as necessary. After 1-2 2weeks the boys should have a good understanding of the norms and be following them and so should the sitter. This is how you establish norms.

Don’t worry this isn’t the end of the story. I will give you an update. By the way, housebreaking the puppy in the midst of the new school year and new sitter is our biggest challenge.

Balanced by an Empathic Connection:

So that is the establishing behavioral norms, which, by the way, is very much about your norms as much as the kids. Now, how do you maintain ‘empathic connection’? What do I mean by ‘empathic connection’? Or, another way to put it, how do I keep my perspective?

Let me give you two very direct and concrete answers: HeartMath and ‘special time’.

First, what is HeartMath? It is an approach of connecting with your own heart and center of feeling through slowing the breathing and focusing upon feelings of appreciation, gratitude, etc. It actually involves going in your mind and heart to the feeling of gratitude, actually getting to that feeling state. It is not hard once you practice it. I have several references to it on my website, the technology for measuring whether you are there and books and tools to get you there and sustain that. Let me give an example again, I always find specifics very helpful.
This morning we had an incident in which the boys followed the ‘new norms’ for the school year very well for about 85-90% of the time. The youngest was up, dressed on his own and got his breakfast started and only needed helping pouring a full gallon jug of milk. The oldest was up much earlier today and was on the ball, not in slow-motion. He was moving along fine. The middle guy was going along well too. We were ready in the mudroom ready to go much earlier than yesterday which was pushing it to the limits of punctuality.

I had taken the dog out to go to the bathroom and he went number one, but not number 2. I had him out there 10 minutes. I had to go in and shower and change myself. I go in. Dog gets passed to second son after he has dressed. He is to take dog out for at least 10 minutes stay in one place and wait for dog to go. He does not do his job well. He goes to the front where there are many distractions. Dog does not go. He puts dog in cage and as we go to leave out door dog goes in cage. Dad is not happy.

So, I am firm about this. We are not going back now. Dog must learn not to go in cage. Son must learn to give sufficient time for dog to go. Through my frustrated monologue I decide the new plan is we will move bedtime up 10 minutes and wakeup time up 10 minutes until we have enough time for dog to go to the bathroom. Son number 3 says: “Can we stop talking about this?” My answer: “Yes.”

So, I discipline myself and stop talking about it. I shift to a neutral place; slow breathing and think about the things the boys have done in the last 24 hours for which I have gratitude. I share some of this with each one of them. I go to work and connect to the EmWave PC and proceed to do more HeartMath. The moment the night before when I was reading to my son from his “Complete Guide to Fishing” book and we were talking about the history of fishing and how it is about nature, understanding nature and imitating nature that allows one to fish well. You may not think about this, but when you fish you imitate the animals in the environment of the fish to get them to bite. He has always been a great outdoors person, first bugs, deer, salamanders, and now fish. That was a moment I felt love, connection and awe for him. Then I shifted to the moment when son number 2 said: “we had to do these math problems and the teacher, well she is real young, didn’t know how to teacher division with remainders, but I did them anyway. I finished the whole sheet when they were on number 17.” Then he told me about football and the highlights there. Then I shifted to the moment when my oldest made this wry comment in the front seat and he turned and grinned with a great big smile and we enjoyed the moment as I got it and he didn’t get it for being a smart Alec. These moments give me perspective and allow me to truly connect with the boys, but hold firm as it is time to establish new norms.

Special time:

This is a concept borrowed from Russell Barkley and his book Taking Charge of ADHD. It is an idea kind of like “time in” instead of time out. The idea is that you set aside 15 minutes or so and truly focus on your child, not the dishes, the phone, the laundry, etc. The concept is that he chooses an activity and you essentially narrate out loud what he is doing. This gives him the feeling that you are ‘in there with him’. You let him make the rules and choose the game. It is his time. Kids really love this. It is like their batteries are charged up by this. These empathic moments are the foundation upon which you continue to build as a child gets older. Over time my sons continue to turn to me and talk to me about important things on their mind because I often try to do some version of special time – an activity on their terms in which I narrate or empathize and shut off my own mind chatter. This empathic link to my sons balances when I am in ‘drill sergeant’ mode which I must do sometimes especially with these boys who are loud and rowdy at times. Those are two critical tools or skills I use. They work. Try them yourself.
Now ‘git-r-done’ and set some ‘new behavioral norms’.


Charles Shinaver, Ph.D.